I discovered bachata for myself – and had an interesting experience. With couple dancing, I can heal old things: unresolved conflicts in my parents’ home, lack of self-confidence or even her delusions of control. The following six aspects make a better dancer – and lover.
1. feminine & masculine energy
We women are often told to surrender to our partner, to let ourselves be led and to feel the feminine energies. This play with polarities can be experienced and learned especially in couple dance.
In couple dancing, the “feminine “* of letting oneself surrender meets the “masculine” of taking the lead. Only when the follower** also lets himself be led, surrenders to the flow of the leader**’s movements, does a dance come into flow. This applies on the dance floor as well as in the bedroom.
As soon as the head gets involved, “but this figure goes completely differently” or “now the following step always follows” or the thoughts are completely elsewhere and no longer with the partner, the dance (or the love game) comes to a standstill.
Through dancing you can practice being completely in the moment, with the other person, with the music and in surrender. For the leader, it is the perfect opportunity to enter fully into the masculine energy, to show clearly and at the same time playfully where the next movement is going and to observe how the other person reacts and to engage with it. A great training ground for a pas-de-deux also in the horizontal.
2. self-confidence & self-assurance
When dancing, you notice immediately: this is how confident the person feels about themselves. Because, to be able to let yourself fall in the arms of another, you need confidence in yourself.
If self-confidence is lacking, only inner work can help. For example, releasing painful memories of broken hearts and fear of loss, but also working on destructive behavior patterns from past partnerships.
The more secure you feel, the more sexy you will feel when dancing – or having sex ;-).
Important: Sexiness is completely detached from outward appearances. The bachata community, for example, is a colorful mix – from slim and small to tall and big, everything is represented. My learning: Shape doesn’t matter, it’s the inner feeling that counts.
3. What do I wear? How do I react to others?
For me, the bachata community is a safe space to try things out, because touching only takes place in areas that are not sexualised.
Therefore, the dance floor offers the opportunity to observe oneself and try out new behavior. Will I be invited to dance? Do I dare to ask to dance myself? How do I react to a yes or a no?
Especially for people pleasers, this is an opportunity to practice saying “no”. Be it when someone asks you to dance with whom you might not want to dance or if someone comes too close to you.
Also a chance to observe on the outside: what type of dance partner do I attract – lovingly leading or rather dominant?
And the observation on the inside: How do I treat myself? Lovingly – “I think my dancing skills are good!” or self-critically – “I should be so much better by now, why can’t I do that yet?”.
4. leading styles
It makes a big difference whether your dance partner (leader) leads you lovingly with his masculine energy or dominates you with harshness. In my eyes, only the former gives the follower the possibility to be led and to really surrender to the dance.
What can be derived from this for relationships? If the leader is on an equal footing with me, a trusting relationship develops in which it is also possible to relinquish control and allow oneself to be led. If, on top of that, the leader adapts his leadership to my body – my flexibility, my energy level and my dance knowledge – it is fun and I can happily surrender.
If, on the other hand, I have the feeling of being pushed and twisted into figures, I feel myself stiffening and resisting. This is exactly what happens to me in partnerships when I have the impression of being pushed into decisions. For me, dominant behavior is not healthy neither in dancing nor in a relationship.
5. Can I surrender?
Have I learned in my life that it is safe to surrender, to trust life, to enjoy the moment and thus let go of control? Or have I learned from my environment, from society or even the culture I grew up in, that I have to control everything in order to feel safe?
Surrender is the be-all and end-all for couple dance and also for partnerships, especially also in relation to sex. Surrender allows us to be relaxed, to be aware of our body, our emotions and also those of our partner, instead of being tense and wanting to control.
The good thing is that couple dance allows you to practice surrender. The most important thing is to have fun. Not to be too dogged. Allow yourself and your dance partner(s) to make mistakes, because that’s where we learn the most.
6. couple dancing is only for dating anyway.
Yes and no. Of course it is possible to meet potential dates. But the important thing is to really enjoy dancing, because the person you’re dancing with will notice whether you’re really having fun or not. At the same time, wonderful friendships can develop, as well as partnerships and certainly various one-night stands.
Conclusion
Couple dance offers an incredible number of possibilities for personal development – especially with regard to one’s own behavior in a partnership. Themes ranging from control to letting go, trust to surrender play a major role.
If you are now thinking, how can this be done? Be patient with yourself. You are doing great. You are reading this article and can now take another step in your personal development. What is your next step? Signing up for a dance class or watching a dance performance? Do you enjoy other things more? Then look for classes, meetups, events where you have fun, learn more about yourself and others and meet people with the same interests. Have fun with it!
* When I talk about “female” and “male”, I don’t mean the sexes, but the energies. Because all people, no matter which gender they feel they belong to, carry characteristics in themselves that can be attributed to the feminine and masculine.
**In every couple dance there are leaders and followers. Whereby both the leader and the followed are gender-independent.
PS: Read the German Original on the Happy Vagina blog: