Does initiating a poly relationship keep me from feeling jealous?
I wish I could say yes, but definitely NO.
We are all human beings with emotions, fears & past experiences.
Even the most open minded & confident will have moments where they feel pain, fear or jealousy.
It’s just an assumption, but I guess that people who initiate a poly relationship might have first & foremost the positive aspects in mind when suggesting it. Though I am sure they also have the possible pitfalls in mind, if they enter into polyamory in a mindful way. But having things in mind, doesn’t keep us from being hit by our emotions.
You are not alone. I can write about this, because I can speak from personal experience and also from what I have had clients tell me.
An experience many of us are carrying within ourselves, may it be consciously known or subconsciously, is that when we feel jealous it’s actually the pain of our inner child who is afraid of being left alone by their parent(s). Some of us have actually made the experience to grow up without parents or with one missing. Others had their parents physically present, but they were not able to hold them in their emotions and have been absent in moments where we would have needed them. All this can pop up, when our partner is going out on a date with another person.
Maybe you also have experienced this in one form or another. Our partner can also tell us, anything they want, like “You are my priority. I will come back to you. You don’t need to worry.” But we cannot feel it in the moment, since we are so overwhelmed by our own emotions, that stem from our childhood fear, experiences and pain.
So how can I overcome jealousy?
Feel it. Allow the tears to roll. This is healing. By yourself or with someone you trust who can hold you in your emotions. Feel deeper. Feel behind the jealousy. What is your story that comes up? Where in your body do you feel it? Have you felt this before? In what situation? How old have you been? Or sometimes there are no answers to those questions & that is fine too, then allow the emotions to roll through you anyways & I promise you, you come out stronger on the other side, even if it might not feel like this in the moment.
When you feel calmer, I invite you to share with your partner(s) how you felt, what triggered you & what would maybe help you in the future. For example: Can we please also agree on a date this week – this would help feel important. Or please tell me how it was for you, I rather know, then create stories in my head. Or for some the opposite is necessary: please don’t tell me about your date Or please only tell me later, when I am asking you about it.
Though one very important thing for all emotions – they are yours and thus your responsibility only. Yes your partner – their behaviour (not the person itself) might have triggered them in you, but it’s your reaction to that. So it’s also your responsibility to deal with your reaction & to learn how to cope with you emotions. If for instance you ask your partner to not meet the other person again, that made you feel jealous, this will only postpone the issue, it will not solve it. Because another time another person may come up & you might feel the same way again.
An option is to ask your partner for a time frame that you defined together for him/her to stop seeing that other person (as well as you not dating others), while you are working on your jealousy. But make sure this isn’t repeating too many times & you might sabotage your partner from seeing others, while the rules do not apply to you. Also keep in mind that there are special situations, where actively living the polyamorous relationship isn’t the best idea. Read on here “When is it a bad time to start a poly relationship?”.